Worldly Chatter

I am having a morning where I feel a little out of place; a morning where I feel the need to reflect and ponder the changes I have gone through. These past two weeks have been an emotional one for me; good, bad and simple reflection. I suppose with so much going on one cannot help but reflect, besides, it’s good for us to do every once in a while right? You see, I have come to accept that I change because of the environment I placed myself in. Not just in what I eat or habits but also in speech. I find myself being a little bolder than in the past. Saying the feelings I normally would have kept silent or giving an opinion that would have otherwise been kept within to save face.
Mind you I know I still have my conservative nature in me that have kept much at bay. Living with Dutchie and talking with friends who are Dutch I have become more expressive and chatty with my personal side though there are parts I cannot seem to get out there much as I would like to. I am not sure what it is either. A fear rejection or criticism? Though more often than not I think it is both fear of rejection and of acceptance. Would I be better off being me and finding out I am as ordinary as the girl next door or learning I am more different than I realized?
Just ramblings I suppose but this reflection has left me wondering a few things. I interact and express differently and when I am placed with people I have interacted so well with years before I see that it isn’t as easy to get on as well. They look at me with an iffy smile and aren’t quite sure what to say when I speak. It is as though the chemistry has changed. We no longer know the words to say and we aren’t sure what to do. Have I changed so much that they aren’t sure how to handle me? I truly thought I hadn’t. It seems as though I shouldn’t say the things I do. I have stepped on someone’s toes and silence follows. How do I revert back to the days of reserved expressions and silent thoughts? Do I have them deal with it or attempt to carry two ways of living to appease those I feel look at me with odd expressions?
Just as I said; ramblings at the end of the week where I have felt drained and exposed. I feel as though I have changed and only see it when I interact with people on the other side of the puddle. It shocks me when things change and you don’t see it happen. It takes someone else or an event to bring it to your attention. Have I changed for the better? I think I have. Being more open with myself and others leaves me feeling better about myself, it leaves an air of honesty. Maybe it isn’t what I say that catches them off guard but rather the fact that I do it at all. Being so loud and talkative but not really saying much at all it is different for me. In either case I just have to accept that moving changes a person in all areas good and bad.

changes, expats, reaction to cultures