Worldly Chatter

A fellow 451press writer posted an article that caught my attention and tore my heart up reading it. Lez Keep It Real, I thank you! It is the story of Brett Conrad and Patrick Atkins’, their 25 years together and Patrick’s’ sudden illness in Indiana. In March of 2005, Patrick had a ruptured aneurysm and later a stroke while in hospital care. When Brett Conrad went to see him, the Atkins’ family barred him from seeing their son. They were against the relationship from the start and do not want their son’s partner of 25 years to visit. This has made it all the way to court! They lived together for 25 years, sharing bank accounts, renting various apartments before finally buying a home together. It meant nothing. Guardianship went immediately to Patrick’s parents where he now lives. The court granted Brett Conrad visitation rights but left guardianship in the hands of the parent. The article can be found on Lindsey’s Lez Keep it Real page.

As I read this article aloud to Dutchie, it really got us both thinking. As you are aware, September 3^rd is our wedding day. It is legally binding and I will be guardian of Dutchie should anything happen, as she is mine. I would be responsible for her, the assets and debts we share and anything else that may come up. It will be a marriage just as any heterosexual couples with all of its benefits. I will have what so many gay people in my own country desperately need, security, protection and peace of mind. I am so blessed to have this and I know it every day I wake. Many people want what I have for the very reasons that Atkins’ and Conrad wanted it, to ensure that they would be able to care for each other and not have the law run amuck of their lives and tear them apart.

In the Netherlands, Canada, Spain, Britain and Belgium, our marriage will matter and upheld to the fullest of the law. If anything were to happen, Dutchie and I would be able to care for each other, as these countries acknowledge we are married.

What happens when we visit America?

As we read this story our hearts sank for them and a realization began to hit us. Our marriage won’t mean jack in America! What if something were to happen to me, would Dutchie be able to maintain guardianship over my health and wishes? On the other hand, would she have to wait in the waiting room until my parents arrived before she could even see me? In NY, for example, there is no law allowing us to even have a civil ceremony. We do not have any form of NY documentation on Power of Attorney nor will our marriage license mean anything to them as they do not recognize gay marriage. What in the world would happen then?

What if we visited Texas, Tennessee or California where none of my family lives, would anything Dutchie does or says matter in how I am cared for? The thought frightens me terribly! The very thing I will be blessed to have in less than a month won’t mean anything in America and this story makes me wonder if the same thing could happen to us even though we are legally married in the eyes of the law under the Kingdom of the Netherlands? I don’t believe for a second that my parents would deny Dutchie anything, they know her, love her and have welcomed her into the family. However, there are couples from Canada, Belgium and Holland who travel to America and are married. What if anything happened while on vacation? Would America accept them as guardians and do what the partner feels is in the best interest of their spouse or would they call the next of kin?

It really makes me wonder… 

 Everyone is equal under the law, isn’t that how it goes? yeah…

gay marriage, glbt rights, Gay Marriage in America, Marriage in the Netherlands, Worldy Chatter, Patrick Atkins and Brett Conrad of Indiana

I am really beginning to hate that question and Dutchie is tired of the ‘why don’t you move there with her?’ You see people, I have said this before and I shall say this again. I cannot sponsor Dutchie and bring her to America. My country does NOT recognize my relationship to her, it’s just that simple. My marriage to her will mean squat to the US government. How then do I bring Dutchie to the US for her to live there with me? She can try to find work in the US and hope a company would be willing to put the time, effort and gobs of money to get her a work permit and a green car. Since this is highly unlikely so what else is there? She is Dutch; her family is Dutch so there is no one else to sponsor her. My government makes it impossible for us to establish a family in the country, they stipulate that my relationship doesn’t count under the laws of immigration therefore there is no chance, no hope and not a prayer that can be said so long as that administration is in office.

The other thing I am slightly puzzled over as well as Dutchie is this. When people ask me how I like it or do I plan to remain here indefinitely I say yes. They ask me what about America, won’t you miss it or want to live there again. I say no, I miss my family and friends but don’t miss living there and they literally stand there dumbfounded over this! I’ll tell you something, people have a strange perception of my country. I mean no disrespect to my American readers and I mean no disrespect to those that love their country or wish to live there but I have no desire to live that way again.
In living here, I have seen and experienced things that I cannot over look. Health insurance, work, food that is not only healthy but affordable and this notion that I am just like everyone else! I haven’t experienced any of the discrimination and crap I went through living in the US. I can’t deny that fact. I sit here legally engaged; according to the IND and the town of Hilversum, I am engaged to Dutchie and will marry her in September. The federal government has not said, no you can’t do that, you’re gay! The government only asked that I prove that she is the only one by submitting documents stating I have never been married or partnered with anyone else. When I walk down the street holding her hand, no one stares, gawks or points. There are no comments and you don’t feel as though you are somehow offending someone when you walk past them while they give you the evil eye.
Why in the world would I want to go back to being denied the simple rights and go back to being abnormal and discriminated against when I know that there is more out there? Knowing that I have found something for me that makes me happier than I ever have, why give that up to go back to America, just because it is the place of my birth? When I explain all this to people at work they stand there not understanding. They really don’t get that I cannot marry her there and that their country is rare when it comes to the rights of gay people. They also don’t realize how expensive it is to live there, at least where I lived in NY and CT, and don’t realize that so many Americans go through life with no health insurance. I really think they get some distorted version of my country through movies. Once I explain a few things, like how I lived without insurance, not a lot of jobs and the inability to bring Dutchie over there, I then get a ‘ohhhhh I see! I didn’t realize!’ or I get ‘yeah well if your country is like that I wouldn’t either!’ Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of great things about my country; there are a great many things I like and love about my home but I am happy where I am and find life a lot better here in Holland. I guess the fact that I have to constantly explain this is getting rather old and annoying. Sometimes it isn’t enough to state that I like it better here, they want to know why and what was it like. It makes for interesting conversation but really, why don’t you bring her there does get old quick.

worldly chatter, American expat, Dutch, Netherlands, gay rights, gay marriage

That is the date of our wedding! I am actually going to be getting married! It is not a partnership, not a civil union but a full on wedding! Absolutely incredible! We had to go down to the town hall and were there for a half hour or so signing stuff and stating what we wanted. At 10 am on September the 3^rd I will officially be a Mrs.!

I remember growing up in NY, going to high school and doing all the things kids do around that age. I dreamed of growing up but not quite sure what I was going to do with my life at that moment. I thought about family and all the same stuff my friends thought of but I knew I wasn’t going to get married; my country simply did not and does not allow me the right to marry. I grudgingly accepted it and moved on, what else was there to do really? I left home and attempted to make a life for myself but some obstacles hit my way and slowly I was realizing that simply accepting it wasn’t working, yet there was nothing else to do. We all know the state of American politics when it comes to gay marriage and so long as Bush is sitting in his comfy chair in the White House I or any other gay person will not be able to marry under federal law; he will just have all the fun he wants saying no, no and no again. I got older and more infuriated that I feel as though I am placed as a second-class citizen simply for having someone of the same sex in my bed, which no one can see anyway but I will not go there today.

Dutchie had asked me to marry her and we have patiently been waiting for our time when we could actually marry. The IND process of just getting my permit took up time and then the permission I needed to marry a Dutch person. Yet it is here, the day has come when we are officially engaged and in three and a half months will be married and I still cant believe that I, a gay American citizen, is going to get married! I never, ever thought I would have this moment when I will forever be bound to someone by law in marriage! I cannot stop smiling and I cannot stop saying it! I am getting married! Dutch law states that in order for Dutchie to sponsor me we both have to prove we are not bound to any other person and that I am coming here to be with her. There wasn’t a point to getting married in a rush before getting my permit because Dutch law looks at it as irrelevant in its decision to give or deny permits. So we waited and did it by the book and we are registered in Hilversum to be wed on September 3^rd!

Another wonderful thing about Dutch law is it makes absolutely no distinction in marriage; straight or gay its all the same, marriage. When we went in for our appointment yesterday their wasn’t a list of different types of marriages or partnerships, heterosexual or homosexual, it simply said marriage or partnership. The concept isn’t hard and I don’t understand why my own country will not get this. I am so blessed to have fallen in love with Dutchie. We are happy and loved by one another and we live in a country where one can be treated equal when gay. It’s an incredible feeling! After years of torment, rejection, hate and discrimination for who I am, I am now in a place where I don’t get that. I haven’t experienced it once since being here and I still don’t get used to that. I can get married and I can’t stop saying it! I am getting married! I feel for those of my friends still living in America who can’t, I wish I could express somehow what it feels like to finally have something you thought you would never have. I want to express the joy and freedom I have in not having to deal with the hate and rejection any more like I did when I once lived in America. Yet with all I want to express I cannot find the words right now, I sit here continuously going, wow and whoa over all that has taken place with me and Dutchie. I love that her country is what it is and wish desperately that my country could take a lesson from them and see that marriage is marriage and it works with gays just as it does with straights. I know however, it will take much more time and effort to see it done in America. The country and its politics simply won’t see the discrimination it breaths everyday when it denies someone something they have, they don’t see the hatred and torture they bestow on people who have done nothing to them and I wish they would see it. See it, own it and change it but I won’t be holding my breath while I wait either.

Finally! After so long Dutchie and I are getting married in September, oh yeah, I am still beaming over here! I am the luckiest girl in the world right now!

gay marriage, marriage, wedding bells, Dutch marriage law, worldly chatter, getting married

On May 14^th organizers of Moscow Gay Pride put in official papers announcing their peaceful gay rights demonstration scheduled for May 27^th; it never got a chance to take place. Saturday there was a march ‘Russian March’ where about 200 people showed up to protest the next day’s events. Slogans such as “Russia without Sodomites,” “Down with Russophobes,” “For Russia without Perverts” and others.
For the second time the Russian government denied the request to have a gay pride demonstration and for a second time the gay community went ahead with it anyway. Last year was a large turnout but this year the cops were ready having the whole area blocked off and arrested anyone pulling up for the event. Protesters and hooligans were ready with spit, rocks and eggs to throw at everyone one who showed up. Cops arrested prominent individuals and gay officials and many kept going, never stopping after seeing what was taking place. Hundreds of reporters had been hanging around waiting to catch the event but were surely disappointed when nothing but egg throwing and arrests were made.

Not one hooligan was arrested. Not one individual who spat upon another or threw eggs and rocks were arrested. Only the people who wanted the peaceful demonstration had been placed in handcuffs; heavily armed riot police detained approximately 30.

 

 Representatives from several European countries such as Germany and Italy were present and arrested, now their governments have put in a formal complaint to the European Parliament to do something. There is talk of not allowing some Russian officials and citizens into the Union until Russia does something about the way it treats its people.

One must remember that in Russia you do not have the right to assemble. You don’t have the right to do much that the government doesn’t like. We are talking about human beings being arrested for wanting equal treatment. These are human beings being threatened, beaten and spat upon and all they want is equal rights. The European Parliament should make a stand against this. Several governments are asking for action and put in their complaints but will anything be done? What happened to Human Rights?

Russia Gay Pride, GLBT rights, Moscow, Gay rights

Articles on the story can be found here and here. Click on the picture to read about the British activists involved and their story.

I recently read something on NY Governor Eliot Spitzer and his legislature for same sex marriage in New York; Governor Eliot Spitzer’s same sex marriage hoax. According to the writer, there was no law in New York that denies the right to marriage for gay couples. In fact, the writer goes to say that the law is not gender specific and the only thing standing in the way is in the Department of Health where they state it is between one man and one woman. Could it really be that simple? Governor Spitzer could simply change the wording in the Department of Health documents pertaining to marriage by executive order and same sex couples can marry? No legislature necessary; can it be?

There was a letter written from the Attorney General’s office to Darrin B Derosia from the City of Cohoes in NY and Peter Graham from the town of Olive in NY back in 2004 addressing this very issue. It gave an overview of the Domestic Relations Law, formal requirements, voidable marriages, annulments and divorces. It states that parties must be of age and capable in law of making a contract. The entire overview of this law is in fact not gender specific, only parties and persons used in reference to those who intend on marrying. It also does not include requirements that marred persons be of the opposite sex nor does it declare invalid marriages between persons of the same sex. The section of “absolutely void” or “voidable” makes no mention of same sex marriage. In fact, it makes no mention of it either for or against the marriage of persons of the same sex. Yet, with all this, it is the opinion of the office is that the Domestic Relations Law is not intended to authorize same sex marriage based on historical intentions and wording stated in some passages in the law. The letter states that ‘the Attorney General issues formal opinions only to officers and departments of State government. Thus, this is an informal opinion rendered to assist you in advising the municipality you represent.’ Attorney General Letter

State of New York Department of Health does mention bride and groom when referring how to obtain a marriage license in the state of New York.

In the case Hernandez v. Robles 2006 in the court of appeals, the opinion of the court states ‘we hold that the New York Constitution does not compel recognition of marriages between members of the same sex. Whether such marriages should be recognizes is a question to be addressed by legislature.’ In the discussion aspect of the decision states the following. ‘All the parties of these cases now acknowledge, implicitly or explicitly, that the Domestic Relations Law limits marriage to opposite sex couples. Some, however, suggest that the statute can be read to permit same sex marriage, thus mooting the constitutional issues. We find this untenable. Articles 2 and 3 of the Domestic Relations Law, which govern marriage, nowhere say in so many words that the only people of different sexes may marry each other, but that was the universal understanding when articles 2 and 3 were adopted in 1901, an understanding reflected in several statures. Domestic Relations Law § 12 provides that “the parties must solemnly declare… that they take each other as husband and wife.” Domestic Relations Law § 15(1)(a) requires town and city clerks to obtain specified information from “the groom” and “the bride.” Domestic Relations Law § 5 prohibits certain marriages as incestuous, specifying opposite-sex combinations (brother and sister, uncle and niece, aunt and nephew), but not same-sex combinations. Domestic Relations Law § 50 says that the property of “a married woman . . . shall not be subject to her husband’s control.” New York’s statutory law clearly limits marriage to opposite-sex couples. The more serious question is whether that limitation is consistent with the New York Constitution.’

Therefore, it really is not that simple is it. When I read the article, I wanted to think it was that simple, that the governor just refused to do something to make us equals in the eyes of New York. He had executive power to change what the Department of Health decreed as marriage. The article stated the legislation he proposed in April of this year was a hoax, a smoke screen to avoid doing all he could. Yet in my opinion the authors did not do all of its homework. The constitution of the state, legislative branch and judicial actions put forth the laws New Yorkers must follow. Within its very laws, it is vague and in the decision of the court of appeals state, this needs addressing by legislature. That is what Governor Spitzer is doing. I do not find compelling evidence that it is that simple as to change the wording in the Department of Health paperwork. As much as I or any other gay person in or from New York would like to believe it could be done with such ease, it is not. Nothing is ever that simple. The article gives us reason to believe he is not doing all he can. This article states there is something sinister and misleading in the Governor of NY. Spitzer has to contend with laws that give gender specifics, judicial decisions and a legislative branch that may or may not allow gay rights. Give him a chance to hold up the word he gave, he already put forth the legislature he said he would. Give it a chance to do something before condemning him misleading and his actions a hoax.

Governor Spitzer, State of New York, Gay rights, Gay Marriage, Domestic Relations Law of NY, same sex marriage

On Thursday Senators Kennedy and Smith introduced Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act or now known as the Matthew Shepard Act. This act would strengthen the ability in investigating and prosecuting hate crimes against sexual orientation, gender identity and disability. It would give federal authorities the go ahead to help local law enforcement in such cases if they ask for it. It was introduced last month in the U.S House of representatives by Rep. John Conyers Jr. and Mark Kirk, R-Ill. For over a decade such acts have been introduced and dropped and introduced and dropped again. In some cases it has passed both Senate and House but never together. Why is that? Why not pass a bill that would protect all Americans?
The Matthew Shepard Act was named after the 21 year old who was beaten to death in a remote area of Laramie, Wyoming in October of 1998 because he was gay. He was robbed, severely beaten, pistol whipped, crushing his skull, and then left hanging like a scarecrow on a fence for 18 hours before Matthew Shepard was found by cyclists. He died a five days later never regaining consciousness. The two men charged and convicted attempted to use a ‘gay panic’ defense but was unsuccessful. Because there was no hate crime laws in Wyoming the boys could not be charged with a hate crime and people tried to get new legislation enacted in Wyoming as well as on a federal level. It is because of this crime and many others that go on all across America that law makers want this pushed through. There is just one problem, with America a fighting ground for gay rights some aren’t sure that the act will go through.
Sen. Gordon Smith, R-Oregon, co-sponsor of the bill, feels that by putting Shepard’s name to the bill will be more successful and when asked about potential opposition from religious groups that disagree with homosexuality he said that should not be a problem. “This act is about the prosecution of crime, not prohibition of speech unless they believe part of their religion is the practice of violence against others, they should not be affected by this bill.”
If there shouldn’t be a problem then why has it taken so long to get passed? A decade of trial and error, pass and fail is showing that there have been a few people in office who didn’t want this bill, or any version of it, to pass. Is protecting American subject to whether someone likes or dislikes something about them? It’s what it sounds like to a lot of activists, if it wasn’t an issue it would have made it to the president’s desk by now. They have a point with this one.
Judy Shepard was honored and touched that her sons name would be used as the name for the bill. Since her son’s death she founded the Matthew Shepard Foundation: Embracing Diversity. She was present when the bill was introduced and is active in the gay and lesbian community and fighting for the equal rights for all; making something good out of something so evil.
If we all want equal protection under the law why has this bill taken so long? It isn’t even passed yet, simply introduced again. Will things be different this time around with a new congress in session? Will it get vetoed by President Bush who doesn’t hide his feelings about the gay community? Just as times before now all there is to do is wait.

Matthew Shepard, The Matthew Shepard Act, Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act, Laramie Wyoming, hate crimes, hate crimes laws

“What would you do if your child were gay?” That’s what Democratic presidential hopeful Chris Dodd asked some high school students in New Hampshire. I remember I asked my father that very same question years ago when I was just starting high school. I threw him for a loop when I asked that and he didn’t have much of an answer for me other than that he was adamant none of his children were gay. While it was not the answer I was looking for I was pleasantly surprised that when I did come out he was as open as any parent could be. Did that get him to thinking? I never asked but I do know that when he did find out he was prepared to ask questions and genuinely understand me and really get to know his daughter. I was a lucky woman as there are parents who are finding a different means to handle their child’s gayness. It is called conversion therapy, sexual reorientation therapy or reparative therapy; a means to turn the homosexual into an ex-gay as these individuals like to call themselves once they go through the treatment.
The treatment starts when people as young as fifteen are brought to a facility, much like a dormitory, and informed of the rules at hand. They have no say as to what they can watch, listen to and what they can wear. Men must shave daily and women twice weekly. No Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein. Bach or Beethoven is out of the question and any other form of media is dictated by them. Curfews are set in place, a log of every fantasy and thought goes to their therapist. Men get taught how to play football and other manly sports while the ladies get taught to put on makeup.
You see, the ex-gay movement believes that homosexuality is a set of behaviors causing the lifestyle choice rather than an orientation and a non-choice. They feel that the reasons for this are due to poor parenting, an inability to develop ‘healthy’ relationships with the same gender as friends and childhood traumas such as sexual abuse. These factors cause the behavior and therefore reparative therapy will be able to undo the damage and turn the person straight. Reparative therapies involve religious conditioning or therapy and prayer, also used is psychotherapy, aversion therapy and behavioral conditioning. One story that has circulated is where are residential treatment center used sedation, isolation, physical restraints and ‘hold therapy’ in which one girl was held down while the staff screamed at her until she confessed she was hurting her family by being a lesbian. How much of this is still being used one cannot say because the facility where parents send their children or individuals send themselves is closed to outsiders and videotaping is forbidden. The only source people have about the conditions of the place or techniques used are the people who come out of it and some of them are so traumatized to talk about it.
There are other means that people involved with the movement use. CD’s and DVD’s to condition their thoughts into believing they are falling for the opposite sex and their tendencies for the same sex are leaving their person. In Mark Simkin’s report on the subject he interviews Richard Cohen a reorientation therapist who feels it is unnatural and shows a few techniques he uses in his private office. One such practice shown was when he had a patient vent out his frustrations from childhood with a racket on a bed. The patient was screaming the agony Richard feels was bottled up. The racket is to get the aggression out so he can find peace with the trauma and to make himself a more powerful man; writing out childhood memories and therapy is used to bring out the faulty parenting and trauma which he believes is the cause of gayness.
Richard Cohen is one of about a hundred facilities and therapists practicing reorientation or conversion therapy across America where it is gaining in momentum. Critics of the practice see it as a dangerous fraud and that consequences are huge when it comes to the individual coming out of therapy. American Psychiatric Association and others feel that homosexuality is not a mental disorder and that it is impossible to change a person’s orientation. Critics also see it as a sham and a money maker as prices for one month in a treatment center can go as high as seven thousand dollars as well as all the books CD’s and other materials promoting the movement. There is no scientific backing for the success of the treatment and the centers themselves claim a rough number of 30% in success stories. Most treatment centers come from a religious background and reject what science as found when it comes to gays being born this way and continue to assert that it is behavioral and sinful.
Can all this really transform a human from gay to straight? Most don’t believe so and I tend to agree. Not only because I find nothing wrong with being a homosexual but also because with the methods used are detrimental to the individual who is only trying to find peace with who they are; it is brainwashing and in some cases cruel and inhumane. With what we do know about conversion therapy and what they do it reminds me a lot of boot camp and means to break them down and make them one entity and not individuals. What I also cannot understand is this is the very same religion that also preaches love, acceptance and a non-judgmental mentality towards its fellow man so how do they justify all this?

gay conversion, ex-gays, Richard Cohen, Mark Simkin, homosexuality