Worldly Chatter

I am sure you know dear readers that I am gay and there are people all around who aren’t happy with this. It really doesn’t matter where you are either; it can be in America or in Europe. Living in the Netherlands, where it is legal to marry and we are treated equally, it can be a true heartache to be gay with some people. I have had conversations where I was told I was blessed to living where I am and living under the laws I do. I know that full well; I am so fortunate to be where I am and who I am with. I have opportunities that many don’t have and I wish I could give it to everyone. Just to give them some of what I have would be a joy unto itself but I cannot as much as I would like. There are some who say I do not struggle any longer with some of the things I struggled with back home, discrimination and hatred for who I am. I wish that were so, boy do I!

I have felt the sting of rejection because of something I cannot change, I have been bashed and spat upon and had total damnation brought down on me. What is it about gays and lesbians that infuriate and frighten people? I know one individual who insists I am damned to hell for something, they say, I can change and willingly put myself through? Why would I choose this for myself and go through the experience of be rejected? Why would I say to someone, yes I am gay, knowing they will hate me and throw rocks in my direction and pray they hit me? Does this person know I cried at night to make it all go away? Do they know that I once actually prayed to have this taken away from me? No, they do not and it is because they never asked, they only condemned me. I once went through a period where an entire school found out and I was the girl everyone looked at, pointed at. I was the girl who knew what sand felt like in your face and knew the pain of rocks that were thrown. Friends leave you, teachers glare at you and family ponders over what they did. I was doomed to a life of discrimination and belittlement if I didn’t do something about ‘the problem’. And what would they have me do? Holy water, prayer, beatings and screams didn’t make it go away so what would? Very few asked anything and even fewer talked about it. Do they accept it? Do they even wonder if I do? Just a couple of the many questions I had that got no answers. I was simply the stupid girl; I was the girl damned for hell and a life of solitude and rejection. It was what I told myself at one point anyway since it was what I heard all the time. I know better now. I know there is a world out there for me and I embrace it every time I inhale.

Yet even now, after my marriage to my wife, I hear about how I need to repent, I need to read the bible and change my ways before it is too late. This person still hasn’t asked a single question to me other than why I haven’t gone to church. Would they ask anything? No, it is highly doubtful and the reason is because they are too hung up on their own thoughts and ways of living that they won’t see the world around them and see the feelings and thoughts of others. For once I would like this person to enter into an intelligent conversation with me on this without using the bible with every reason and simply listen. They never see what the constant badgering and bashing does to my heart. They never see what the rejection and belittling does to a soul already weary from the years of fighting. Twelve years after finding out, nothing has changed. The fight goes on and it truly breaks my heart and makes the tears fall, yet they don’t know that, they don’t care to. I respect their decision; I just wish they would respect me.

Here in the Netherlands, where it is legal to be equal, you can still see it. It isn’t just with the immigrants who come to this land or their children, some natives still look at it with a religious condemning heart. They stand back from you when they see you at the store. One or two word sentences with the same person who used to come to your home and hug you when they saw you. People tell me that things will change for me now that I am in a more accepting nation. People here won’t do what they do over there. They are right; they are more open and accepting. This is a nation that strives to make everyone equal. They may stubble and piss people off along the way but they do try. Yet one cannot blindly say that the nation and its people are all the same. People here can be just as cruel and ignorant as anyone else, just in my experiences here, there are not as many of them. Maybe it is because they cannot do much about it here or they are just quieter in nature but I don’t see it nearly as much, I know Dutchie was shocked when she went to America and saw how it can be there for gays and lesbians. She was truly surprised because here in the Netherlands it is very different. Yet you cannot say it is perfect, it will never be perfect and I know and accept that. I am truly blessed to be where I am, it just hurts sometimes to be so far. I still wish I could give a little of what I have here to people I love back home. I still desire to give them the acceptance here I live in.

Maybe the differences between these two nations on the issue will be seen clearer one day and people where I come from can see that it really does work here. Despite the imperfections that every nation has, this is a place to look at and say, hey look at how it works there… Maybe they won’t in my life time but then again, maybe I don’t give them enough credit. I just wish they would see.

worldly chatter, gay and lesbian, glbt rights, glbt freedoms, discrimination

A fellow 451press writer posted an article that caught my attention and tore my heart up reading it. Lez Keep It Real, I thank you! It is the story of Brett Conrad and Patrick Atkins’, their 25 years together and Patrick’s’ sudden illness in Indiana. In March of 2005, Patrick had a ruptured aneurysm and later a stroke while in hospital care. When Brett Conrad went to see him, the Atkins’ family barred him from seeing their son. They were against the relationship from the start and do not want their son’s partner of 25 years to visit. This has made it all the way to court! They lived together for 25 years, sharing bank accounts, renting various apartments before finally buying a home together. It meant nothing. Guardianship went immediately to Patrick’s parents where he now lives. The court granted Brett Conrad visitation rights but left guardianship in the hands of the parent. The article can be found on Lindsey’s Lez Keep it Real page.

As I read this article aloud to Dutchie, it really got us both thinking. As you are aware, September 3^rd is our wedding day. It is legally binding and I will be guardian of Dutchie should anything happen, as she is mine. I would be responsible for her, the assets and debts we share and anything else that may come up. It will be a marriage just as any heterosexual couples with all of its benefits. I will have what so many gay people in my own country desperately need, security, protection and peace of mind. I am so blessed to have this and I know it every day I wake. Many people want what I have for the very reasons that Atkins’ and Conrad wanted it, to ensure that they would be able to care for each other and not have the law run amuck of their lives and tear them apart.

In the Netherlands, Canada, Spain, Britain and Belgium, our marriage will matter and upheld to the fullest of the law. If anything were to happen, Dutchie and I would be able to care for each other, as these countries acknowledge we are married.

What happens when we visit America?

As we read this story our hearts sank for them and a realization began to hit us. Our marriage won’t mean jack in America! What if something were to happen to me, would Dutchie be able to maintain guardianship over my health and wishes? On the other hand, would she have to wait in the waiting room until my parents arrived before she could even see me? In NY, for example, there is no law allowing us to even have a civil ceremony. We do not have any form of NY documentation on Power of Attorney nor will our marriage license mean anything to them as they do not recognize gay marriage. What in the world would happen then?

What if we visited Texas, Tennessee or California where none of my family lives, would anything Dutchie does or says matter in how I am cared for? The thought frightens me terribly! The very thing I will be blessed to have in less than a month won’t mean anything in America and this story makes me wonder if the same thing could happen to us even though we are legally married in the eyes of the law under the Kingdom of the Netherlands? I don’t believe for a second that my parents would deny Dutchie anything, they know her, love her and have welcomed her into the family. However, there are couples from Canada, Belgium and Holland who travel to America and are married. What if anything happened while on vacation? Would America accept them as guardians and do what the partner feels is in the best interest of their spouse or would they call the next of kin?

It really makes me wonder… 

 Everyone is equal under the law, isn’t that how it goes? yeah…

gay marriage, glbt rights, Gay Marriage in America, Marriage in the Netherlands, Worldy Chatter, Patrick Atkins and Brett Conrad of Indiana

Today is the first day of the three-day affair that will take over parts of Amsterdam! It is one of the biggest gay pride parades and festival on the globe and it is a blast! Gays and straights alike join in for the parties and canal parade and it can go on until the wee hours of the morning! My first gay pride was last year in Amsterdam and it was Dutchie, myself and another couple we knew who met up and had dinner together, partied and drank until the last train took us home! And trust me on this, you see all walks of life when you are there. You could see families with their children, gay, lesbian, transgendered, and everything imaginable in between. There were some interesting clothing choices and the canals showed off everything everyone had to off! There were stands and booths for services for AIDS prevention as well as counseling and advice. Bars and clubs were hopping and live music with little stands serving Heineken was everywhere! What a blast! It wasn’t just a means for us to show ourselves off, flaunt it and demand the things gays and lesbians have been trying to get for years now. It was also a means for the outside world to see a bit of us and how we really are. Not all of the festivities is flamboyant and full of drama queens with butchie women tough in their tanks and military cuts, it was also a sense that we are just as everyone else is. You really could see in some parts of the festivities that they wanted people to see we aren’t evil, that we have culture, history and class.

Dutchie and I are unable to attend this year’s event. We originally intended it, booking a room in Amsterdam for two nights and made plans with some friends. Yet with Dutchie sick and making other plans for Ridderkerk and Den Haag we had to cancel the reservations and inform our friends we weren’t able to make it. Other stuff came up of more importance. Yet this will not deter me from informing you of it and linking you to this year’s big weekend!

Another thing that has been going on in Dutch life is that Dutch embassies situating in several countries where it is in good relations, gives aid is pushing to change legislation in countries where gay, and lesbians are beaten, exiled or executed based on who they are. They want to put their influence into practice and try to stop the current legislation stating homosexuality is illegal, taking inventory of every country and law it currently sits in, which is 36 and of that 18 currently hold such legislation. I hope it does some good and works to save those who suffer far worse than I can possibly imagine. (article here

Picture Property of www.amsterdamgaypride.nl

gay pride, worldly chatter, Amsterdam gay pride, glbt community, gay and lesbian news

You read the title right, there was a deal made between the US and the European Union that allows for Homeland Security to gain access to information obtained during reservations made when traveling to the US from Europe. This information would be placed in a database and stored for a period, for how long is still in negotiations, this information will aid in keeping track of habits, suspected individuals and will be able to detect pretty much anything they like!

Now, for years now, when you travel to America they keep a record of your name, flight, credit cards, where you are from and any travel partners listed. Dutchie must fill out a waver when she flies over and of course the information you use at the airport is used. What in the world does my sexual orientation and political opinions matter to national security!? US Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff praised the pact as an “essential screening took for detecting potentially dangerous transatlantic travelers.” He further said that if the information was available on 9/11 they could have identified many of the 19 hijackers by linking their methods of payments, phone numbers and seat assignments.

Brilliant I say, do you think that the hijackers would have voluntarily said their religion, phone numbers and given ALL the information that would have linked them! No, I seriously doubt it! The article went on to say how the pact aid in establishing people with special needs who request wheel chairs and try to bring on explosives on board or warnings of a political gathering where there might be a chance of danger or even communicable diseases. Staffs at airlines all across Europe are urged to ‘push’ for information from its passengers.

What happened to a little privacy? Next they are going to want to know what I had for breakfast! All right, I understand wanting to know about communicable diseases. What does that have to do with my sexual orientation? What does any philosophical beliefs or trade union memberships have to do with any of it? America just wants to keep tabs on everyone comes in and to a point I can understand. Knowing who is coming in is serious and I completely get that but one does not need to know the most personal of information for me to be allowed into my own country! Oh yeah, this applies to us Americans living abroad too not just Europeans visiting. We all get the same treatment, scrutinized and slapped in a database for use of National Security!

Now there are a few who are not happy with this, civil rights groups, people who love their privacy and anyone who doesn’t see the point to any of this generally but if the EU didn’t America threatened to send less flights over to Europe. How do you like that one! If America wants it, America gets it I suppose. Though if you ask me, they have no business knowing I am gay. What the hell does it matter to them? I see no reason to fork it over and besides where would I give it, when the personnel checking me in ‘pushes’ for information? Please.

Homeland Security, Worldly Chatter, Travel News, Personal Data used when traveling

There are days where you go back in time to remember something you went through, something that you thought at the time was uniquely yours. Today was such a day heading back to the time of my struggles, the issues I clung to secretly thinking that I was the only one who bore their weight. I was only a teenager when I struggled with my own sexual identity. I hated myself, tossed around the concept of bisexuality to “fix” the thing that was wrong with me. I went through school believing I was the only one with such troubles and I carried them around secretly, never even letting my closest friends know how much of a struggle being gay was to me. I still play down high school and the everyday dramas I experienced. It was not until I sat with a person who is struggling just as I was, talked so openly, and asked such hard questions in hopes of having the answers solve everything for her.

I grew up in NY and dealt with the reality that I was gay; I was different and had the whole school know it. I walked through the halls as best I could but knew that the silent stares hated that I was different, that I walked among them and dared to take in the same air as they did. I got the silly questions such as, what is it like to kiss a girl, is it that different. Men wanted to watch and girls were repulsed and threatened, uncomfortable and conscious of my very existence wherever I went. I received the statement that I chose this and it is my own doing that I suffer so. I had parents who struggled with it and siblings who had to walk in my shadow and bare the same name that now meant lesbian in the eyes of the classmates of the school we shared. The ridicule and hatred that I experienced I never wish upon anyone. Being told by the very teachers and staff meant to protect and guide you threw me in a tiny room to eat lunch alone because it made the rest of the students uncomfortable. Teachers who looked at you with a peculiar glare students who loved you for being brave or hated you for going against the grain and tainting their school. I tried desperately to fit in despite the fact that I found women appealing. I dated boys to blend despite my own revulsion and discomfort to appease people around me and to make myself unnoticed. It never worked. It all went to shit and I was the girl who was gay, I was the girl who stood out in the crowd and paid dearly for it. Did anyone notice? Did anyone care that I hated myself for being different? Did anyone care that I beat myself up for the sorrow, pain and drama I caused those I loved most? Probably not, I was simply the girl who was gay and made my sibling suffer, my parents question and friends squirm and throw rocks and comments my way.

That is what I was in school and trying to make a life outside of school in the real world is never an easy one, gay or straight, but definitely tough when you accept who you are and feel that no one else can. You chose things in life that are not necessarily good for you and settle into a life that feels all wrong. People still glared, still made their comments and felt uncomfortable in your presence. Being gay in America is a bitch and I thought that once I left America it would get better, it would somehow be different.

Here I sit in front a Dutch woman who is in agony, in a fight with herself over her demons and sexuality. She is gay but does not want to be gay, does not want to admit it and would rather suffer in a relationship she runs from rather than accept it. Here is a Dutch woman who is afraid to be gay to her family and friends for what they say or what they might do. Will they reject her or still love her just the same? Those very same questions I tossed in my own head. What does it mean to be different? What does it mean to be gay and throw away any form of normalcy that you once knew? Ah, it all comes back to me! Yet here is Holland, Amsterdam being the home of one of the biggest gay prides. This is Holland, the first country to allow gay rights and gay marriage! She struggles just as I did.

When I walk the streets with Dutchie, we hold hands, giggle and even give a little kiss now and then in public. No one turns his or her heads and glares. No one comments or tosses anything our way. The atmosphere is greatly different from that of America and you feel it and see it the moment you step out into the streets. It is so different and you can actually take a deep breath and feel that it is ok to be you. You can easily forget that there is hatred and a high level of fear and discomfort towards gays here.

When I watched her in tears and hold onto Dutchie for any sense of direction, it broke my heart! It also reminded me that it does not matter where you are, it does not matter if you are in the heart of America and homophobia or in the middle of Amsterdam where it is perfectly acceptable to marry; there is still the pain and anguish of being different. It simply does not matter; you are still battling the fear of your own self-hatred and the disapproval of others. In the heart of homophobia or in the middle of acceptance, those same struggles of being gay are there and I guess it was a revelation, a reminder that we all struggle to be gay whether others know it or not or where.

gay and lesbian, worldly chatter, homophobia, acceptance, glbt life